24. The Big Texan Steak Ranch

Just east of Amarillo, Texas, on Interstate 40 East, out near the International Airport, you’ll find the Big Texan Steak Ranch. Originally, the Big Texan was located right on Route 66, but a fire that destroyed the business made a rebuilding project necessary. Since the new Interstate 40 was nearly complete, the thinking was, ''Why not move south just a little bit and rebuild there?" That's exactly what they did. And to make it even better, a Big Texan Motel was added; complete with boarding facilities for the horses! See why Texans are just naturally smarter than the average bear?

The specialty of the house is the big, and I do mean BIG, 72 ounce sirloin; looks mighty like a big old roast. It comes with four large Texas Gulf shrimp, a dinner salad, a baked potato, and a loaf of sourdough bread. Can you eat all this in one setting? In one hour or less? Good! Then you eat free! And your name will go on the wall and in the record book as a consumer of note! You may even achieve Honorary Texan Status!

Labor Day weekend, 1988, Rootin’ Tootin’ Newton, decided he could eat this steak and we all accompanied him to serve as witnesses. On the way down we all ate lightly, especially R.T. as he was the one who had the task to perform. We arrived early in the afternoon and after checkin’ in at the adjoining motel, some of us headed out to Palo Duro Canyon for a ride on the Sad Monkey Railroad Line.

This is a narrow gauge train that runs along the floor of the Canyon. It’s named for a particular rock formation that looks like the face of a large sad monkey. Hence...the name. We piddled around there for a while with some of us eating light on hot dogs and small ice cream cones.
Returning to the motel for a quick clean-up, we assembled on the parking lot and strolled over to the big cafe. There we were met by our special waitress, Brandi, who was a senior at Baylor University and was working her last weekend before returning to classes on Tuesday. Brandi seated us, took drink orders, and returned to help R.T. understand the rules. She then announced to the crowd that a challenger had ordered the Specialty and wished him well. Did I mention that Brandi was a hottie? I should have.

R.T. had certainly given this some thought. Not wanting to fill up prematurely, he decided the sourdough bread would be his last entree because it would take on water and swell up in his tummy! Physically, mentally, and physiologically, he was ready!

In due time, the main course arrived, Brandi made the announcement to the crowd and the timer was started. He attacked the steak quickly, taking small bites of baked potato every now and then along with portions of salad and shrimp. He was Mr. Science Guy and well on his way. To give you an idea of just how big this steak is, Judy and I ordered one, just one, and shared it with two other couples and Scott! And we had plenty left over!

Was R.T really expecting to consume all this volume by himself? Can it really be done? We shall see, Watashi, we shall see.

Forty minutes later, R.T. was slowing down considerably! He was nearing the end of the big steak, but beginning to falter. He unbuttoned his levis, raised up on one cheek, and made a funny noise with his hiney! Then he allowed himself a polite little belch, took a sip of cold water, and bravely continued on. Did I mention he had this down to a science? Oh yeah, he really did.
At the forty seven minute mark, he was nearly done, but struggling mightily. Something extra was needed. Judy came up with a challenge that she would buy him a strawberry short cake with whipped cream if he could just finish the remaining few bites! That did it! He called Brandi over to inspect the plate. She took his plate to the cook, who, naturally, found one more tiny sliver of steak that R.T. had missed! Sorry, R.T. You gotta eat this one last morsel. He did. And then...and then!!! Then he ate the strawberry short cake that Judy had promised him! Now, that’s a true Texas Champion!

And as advertised, his name was duly entered on the wall and in the record book with an official time of 48 minutes and 22 seconds. Rootin’ Tootin’ Newton...Honorary Texan! Hot damn! It don’t get no better than that!

Well done, lad!