16. Got Any Toilet Paper, Ma'am?

Two of us were on a trip that took us through the Panhandle of Texas. We camped overnight for free in the city park of Quitaque; a quaint little town on the High Plains of Texas about 40 miles south of Palo Duro Canyon. Hey! The price can’t be beat!

Quitaque, Texas, (pronounced kitty kway) got it’s unusual name back in 1852 when a dude got off the stage from the east to stretch his legs and asked an old Indian what he called all this, sweeping his arm around to encompass the town, the street, the corrals, and the Wells Fargo stage stop. Indian thought he had pointed at the empty corral with all the mounds of horse manure and replied, “Quitaque”, which is Comanche for ‘horseshit’!

In the morning we headed over to the local cafe for breakfast. My companion du jour was none other than Sterdan Frickley of the famous sunflower seed story. As we entered the cafe we were greeted by a large number of religious artifacts -- crosses, pictures, quotations and even a plaque stating "Repent now! Hell is hot!" We also got our first glimpse of the waitress who was none other than Granny, obviously a rigid church lady type, complete with Mother Hubbard dress, no make up, and grey hair rolled in a tight bun. Granny was also the proprietress of The Lord‘s Cafe. Did I mention she was not a fox? I should have.

We looked over the menu and when Granny came to take our orders, I asked for steak and eggs with black coffee. Frickley ordered the steak and eggs combo as well, but when Granny asked what he wanted to drink he said, "Whiskey!". The silence was deafening as she fixed him with a cold stare. He withered and mumbled, "Just bring me some coffee without cream." Her reply was sharp and waspish. “We don’t have any cream. You’ll have to take it without milk!” I knew right then that evil in some form was about to be visited upon his small round head.

After a few minutes, nature called and Frickley headed for the bathroom. Seconds later, he came back with a distressed look on his face. Going over to Granny, he asked, “Got any toilet paper, Ma'am?" She nodded absently and wiped her hands on her apron. Frickley came slinking back to the booth. He fidgeted around a while, giving her a couple of minutes to place a fresh roll of toilet paper in the bathroom, and tried again. Frickley returned to the table in a state of near apoplexy.

Soon, he tried yet again. As he returned from the bathroom a third time, he was clearly uncomfortable. He again approached Granny praying for some toilet paper. He needed to spend some quality time on a thunder mug. And quick!

Again, she promised to get it right away, but...she got busy...and forgot! Did she really forget?...or was my prediction about evil about to come to fruition?

All the while the cafe was filling up with local patrons. Frickley left the table rapidly heading for the water closet one more time. Again, he was...bitterly disappointed. Five more minutes of agony go by. Now the place is filled to capacity and Frickley is getting desperate. He’s considering napkins! Suddenly, Granny’s shrill voice is heard above the room noise as she shrieks, “Young man! Young man!” He froze. When Frickley turned around to look at her, all eyes were riveted on his simple but handsome young countenance. Every person in the cafe was staring at him and it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

Granny fixed him with a serious glare and loudly exclaimed for all to hear, “You can go to the bathroom now. I just put some toilet paper in there for you!

Paybacks are hell.